The self is a story [522]
Greetings from The Borders...
I’m Christian Payne. In this weekly dispatch I seek out novelty, explore the relations between things, how we share, what we share and consume, plus where we might be going. Thanks for joining in.
#TheAction
Outside of all the work this week, there has also been some play. But work has dominated, and my body is feeling it. This week, my soft—and dare I say supple—photographer’s hands have, for the first time in a long while, started to show signs of hard graft.
I’ve bled from two places on the same leg, punctured my finger to the bone with a rose thorn (now infected), banged my head at least four times on the same door frame, removed various splinters and debris with tweezers, and nearly snapped my spine when momentarily wedged between the ride-on mower and a low tree limb.
I feel like a liability. This is why I use a hand saw and not a chainsaw. (Though I do hope to take a chainsaw course soon.)
But taking the rough with the smooth…
I’ve also chatted with fascinating locals, had the best motorbike ride of the year (while running an errand), discovered a magical woodland perfect for hiding from Ringwraiths, and climbed trees with my daughter as the sun set. (She took the photo at the top.)
So is this me now?
No more tech-focused creative technologist.
Less producing, more growing.
Not chasing, but tending.
Days shaped by light and weather—not emails.
Who knows?
I was brought up on a smallholding, so this feels more like a return than a retreat. A life shaped by sustainability, stewardship, and slowness.
There’s no doubt my identity is in flux. But are they ever really fixed? Aren’t our identities constantly constructed through the stories we tell ourselves (and others)? Shaped by memory and meaning, not just facts.
The only way we make sense of our lives is by fashioning a story from our experiences.
And like any story, the “self” can evolve, be reinterpreted, even reinvented.
These days—and the life they measure—feel rewarding. It’s a life that embodies care, responsibility, and long-term thinking. If that’s not a noble pursuit, I’m not sure what is.
And what of this dispatch?
Well, it’s my only paid work right now. I’d be foolish to jack it in.
And I hope you’ll stick around while, like me, it evolves and finds its way.
Speaking of which… Last week I had a minor whinge about Substack getting bloated and over complicated. It was triggered by a couple of people mentioning that they had not been getting my emails but could see the posts in the app. If you are not getting this dispatch in your email inbox, it might be there is an issue in your Substack settings.
My friend Tim (and fellow Hells Nerd) fixed it and said you need to head to: settings, notifications, newsletter delivery and then select both email and push. If you have had the same issue then I hope it fixes things for you too.
#ThePictures
I thought i’d search photos taken with the Yashica T5 on Flickr
#TheWords
20 years ago I was blogging pretty much daily. Mostly a stream-of-consciousness brain dumping into a blogspot. I didn’t think anyone read it, but must have found it therapeutic.
I stumbled upon it this week as the domain is up for renewal. It’s weird reading it back. This post is from the 8th of May 2005.
That Sunday Feeling
Why is it that just as the monthly cycle of the moon affects those among us with a potentially tidal mentality, Sunday nights also have a strange cyclical effect on me?
Not only me of course, millions seem to suffer a dose of the melancholic mind as Sunday lunch turns into a rapidly ebbing end of the weekend.
Today as i drove across county to see my grandmother, it was more for the space so i could wallow in the mild depression that often lives at this end of the week. As i drove, headphones playing a soundtrack that matched my feelings, i thought about this very state of mind and how it was that a certain perspective seems to live here. Here and in those precious moments before bed when you should really turn the computer off as every googled idea is one more thought keeping you from a blissful and much needed sleep.
My music acted as an almost effective filter on the outside world both in and out of the car as i swarmed with the sheeple doing Sunday things. Everything bothered me. The people and their shopping, the hanging LCD screens babbling sales pitches above the myriad products i had to pass to get to the basic necessities of life. The ten of everything, the fake radio station designed to subliminally implant 'great deals' into my already tired mind. The non organic-ness of every identical red pepper.
It bothered me, but inside this Sunday feeling, i could forgive it all. I could let it slide by because this feeling tells you on the one hand, it is all too late to worry about, just listen to the music, float ethereally through and past it all because there is no hope... And that is all ok.
I know this sounds defeatist, but in reality i truly think that this letting go, this depressed acceptance is something far more positive than any defeatist thought. That in fact i was experiencing another incredibly lucid state of mind where everything appears as it truly is, transient.
Perhaps the passing of the weekend in it's own transience had once again given my otherwise socially programmed mind a rest, a reboot in ‘safe mode’. As it relaxed into a logical acceptance of here and now maybe it remembered all those 'nice' ideas it stumbled upon whilst travelling, wound down to an almost catatonic state of hippy bliss when the statement, "There is no permanence but impermanence," bought a satisfied nod through a hazy gaze.
That Sunday feeling... The realisation that your time isn't really your own... that our society is built upon rules you don't always agree with... that Mondays come around all to easy and someone with less of an idea than you is soon to tell you what to do... And if you’re really lucky..... You realise that none of this actually matters.
It flits between feelings and rambles on far more than it needs to. But I believe it is honest in what it says. Which condensed is::
Sometimes, inside a melancholic Sunday, we glimpse the truth: nothing lasts, nothing is fully ours, and somehow, that transience sets us free.
How Tolkien is whispering in the ears of America’s most powerful men
#TheSound
To learn a little more about the area I now live i’m listening to the podcast Borders Bletherings. I’ve started from the beginning and just listened to the one about Witches.
Currently listening to Jolie Holland. (Thanks
)Which in my opinion is better than the world’s first song made by a quantum computer and AI.
#TheConsumed
Seafood Icecream? I’d try it, but i’m not in any rush to seek it out.
Here is a handy list of Scottish food i’d like to try. And there are a few on this list i’d rather not.
#TheFound
While moving boxes from one attic to another I found a box full of cameras…
I’d totally forgot I had it and am so happy to be reunited with my Yashica T5. I’d spotted one on Ebay recently for over £500 and regretted selling mine (which I thought I’d done). I was keen to see if it really has stood the test of time and now I can put a film through it.
Also in the box was a Fujica V2. Another camera I hope to put a film through.
#TheThings
Lost my sunglasses. Then I found them.
I’d ran them over with the lawnmower.
Outside of a pair of cheap blue Wayfarer copies that were free from the Sennheiser stand and a podcasting convention, they’re my cheapest sunnies at £24. (Obligatory Amazon affiliate link) They are also the sunglasses I ware most so will most likely get another pair.
#TheThanks
Massive thanks to the paying subscribers who continue to support this dispatch and the adventures/experiments that make it. You know who you are. ♥️
If you value these words, ideas and curation, please consider an upgrade to paid…
Or if you prefer a random hat tip you can do that via PayPal
or Monzo …Either way… Thank you for reading, sharing, liking and supporting a human doing manual work with their brain.
#TheWeb
How a park ranger alerted the world to Sycamore Gap tree’s fate
Have you added yourself to the Documentally community map?
It’s mind-blowing to think of how much of the deep sea floor is still to be explored
Some of my other places include these… plus Strava where I’m using it to log paths and walks I find around where I live. Or search ‘Documentally’ on Wire and Bluesky. Supporting subscribers also get access to a Discord server. Message me for a link. 👍🏽
Turning lead into gold with the LHC
In the age of slop, craft is rebellion
Let us re-evaluate our relationship with technology.
#TheEnd
Thanks for reading.
Will I see you at Thinking Digital next week?
Have a great week.
“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” — Brené Brown
Own it.
See you out there.
Over…
I was wondering why I wasn't getting emails, changed the settings, then remembered why I'd turned it off as got dozens of email notifications from the newsletters I've subscribed to...
I just did remember, that there is a Documentally book in the pipeline somehow?
Still really looking forward to it. 😊